Video Blog - Physical, Spiritual, and Mental Healing

Reigniting the Flame

There have been several periods of my life where I have lived with a very distant, unimpassioned relationship with God. The last year or so has been one of those times as life struggles with finances, health, previous church, and the occasional/rare difficult clinical rotation have stacked on top of each other. But today I felt a spark of that spiritual flame in my heart. Who knows what will come of it but flames can only start with a spark and that is the great encouragement. I am very thankful that we found a church that has helped me (and Katrina too) to reconnect with God. Check it out at http://www.thegatewaychurch.com/.

God Bless!

Opening Up Again

So it is time to start over with this whole blog thing. I stopped blogging over a year ago because I was so worn out by the rigors of medical school and the short-sighted idea that blogging is about having people read what you have to say. Really, the purpose is cathartic, to share your thoughts so that they are not stuck in your head, weighing you down, keeping you from freeing your mind and being present in the moment. The person who realized first that I needed to open up again was my dear wife Katrina. I am very thankful that God brought this woman into my life that now knows me better than I know myself and encourages me to be what I need to be.

With all the seriousness out there, I wanted to do something less serious for the rest of this post.

What color are your socks right now? No socks, bare feet just like God intended.

What are you listening to right now? My wife and son on a Skype video call with Grammy in Florida, with the movie 'The Waterboy' paused on TV.

What was the last thing you ate? A 100 calorie bag of Pop Secret with Parmesan Garlic 'Colonel Seasons' popcorn seasoning.

Can you drive a stick? Of course and I wish I still had a stick shift. Driving is so much more fun with a stick!

Last person you spoke to on the phone? My mom called a bit ago to discuss hotel arrangements in Omaha next weekend where we are meeting them for a fun weekend out of Des Moines before they follow us to Des Moines for a week in Iowa.

How old are you today? 30. It's a good age.

What is your favorite sport to watch on TV? I would have to say football is my favorite but I like to watch Baseball, Golf, occasionally Basketball, and I'm even getting more into NASCAR.

What is your favorite drink? This is a tough one. I really like a good cold soda or iced tea, but every once in awhile an ice cold beer from the tap in a frosted glass is wonderful!

Have you ever dyed your hair? Yes I have... and I'm sorry but I don't think I have pictures. For Halloween in 2005 my roommate Nate and I decided to dress up as Gilligan and the Skipper. So to get into the role of the Skipper I tried to dye my hair blonde. Unfortunately it turned out a weird orangish yellow.

Favorite food? When I read this the thing that came to mind first is cold, leftover fried chicken. Mmmmmmmmmmmm!

What is the last movie you watched? Apparently we are watching an Adam Sandler movie marathon on FX today. We watched the Wedding Singer earlier. Yesterday we watched The Red Baron (not great), She's Out of My League on Friday (great except for the excessive language), and recently Invictus and When in Rome which are both really good.

Favorite day of the year? Another tough one. Probably any day that I get to be back in the mountains of Colorado, especially with my wife and little boy. I sure do miss home.

How do you vent anger? Passive-Aggressive. Not good at all. When I do better I usually am writing or doing something athletic.

What was your favorite toy as a child? That's tough, I know I had quite a few favorites at different points. Since I played sports I did a lot of shooting hoops, chipping golf balls in the backyard, and pickup games of football on the street. Video games and baseball cards were also a pass time for me.

Favorite Season? Definitely Fall when the leaves are changing, the temperatures are in the 60's, football season is on, and daily attire consists of sandals, shorts, and a hooded sweatshirt.

Cherries or Blueberries? Neither really. Cherry pie is good. Cherry flavored stuff is good. But plain cherries are not great. Never tried a lot of blueberries.

Living situation? Living in a condo on the very south edge of Des Moines, IA with my wife Katrina, son Ezekiel (22 months), baby girl due in October, and cat Edmund. I am in my 4th year of medical school at Des Moines University. I am completing a 1 year fellowship in Osteopathic Manual Medicine and thus will have a 5th year of medical school.

When was the last time you cried? Last Monday when I talked with my preceptor Doctor about struggles I've been having in the clinic. I'm an emotional person, she's an emotional person and one of my top role models in medicine so it was hard for me to ask for changes in my learning environment. She was so supportive and understanding!

What is on the floor of your closet right now? Shoes, some clothes, a storage bin, and probably a variety of items deposited there by my son 'Z'.

What are you most afraid of? Finances. We have been struggling with money for over a year now and it has taken its toll on my mind, body, and spirit. We struggle to get money and then to use it wisely.

Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers? Spicy with cheese, mushrooms, and ketchup!

Favorite day of the week? Friday, a great mixture of work and play.

How many states have you lived in? Three; Colorado, Ohio, Iowa. One Canadian Province for a few months - Ontario.

Diamonds or pearls? Pearls. Diamonds are too fancy. Pearls say 'real beauty'

Did you get an H1N1 vaccine? Yes, being a healthcare professional we have to take precautions for our own health, and to not be carriers of illness.

Convinced or Conviction

Evidence?
What is evidence?
Is there not a difference
between what convinces
each of us
regarding truth?

Why should a dimensionless God
constrain himself
to dimensions which I can observe
which I can comprehend?
Would I really be convinced?
Would I really be forever changed?
Would my faith grow
or would I require more
Evidence?

Acts 2

The flaming Holy Spirit
is but a glowing ember
in my soul today...
but not extinguished.
It awaits a breeze
a blowing wind
my own internal Pentecost
my own collision
with ignition
my own collision
of dark soul carbon
pure God-breathed oxygen
and spiritually passionate heat.
From somewhere far within
I hear a faint sound
that maybe, just maybe
is God taking in
a long, deep breath.

Question

Why is it that so many of my fellow Christians want the government to stay out of the religious realm of charity and caring for the poor (because big government is anti-God...), YET want the government to be dominant in denying equal rights based on our religious views?

Seems like hypocrisy to me. Thoughts?

Great Pharma Humanism

So today while reading the news online I saw an advertisement for a new drug from a big pharmaceutical company named Allergan. Before I reveal the name and purpose of the new drug, let me share with you some statements from Allergan's website about their honorable mission...

From the main page: "We combine this strategic focus with a diversified approach that enables us to follow our research and development into new specialty areas where unmet needs are significant."

"We know we are successful... when our efforts make a meaningful difference in the lives of the patients and communities we serve."

From the about us page: "With a heritage of nearly 60 years of discovery and research, our products have made a meaningful difference in how medical conditions are treated and in the quality of patients' lives worldwide.

From the Research & Development page: "We vigorously invest in research and development to discover and develop new treatments that meet the needs of specialty doctors and their patients.
Allergan's world-class research and development (R&D) program embodies our efforts to bring the best of medicine to life."

"research and development expense was $1,055.5 million ($1 billion), $388.3 million, $342.9 million, $762.6 million and $232.7 million in 2006, 2005, 2004, 2003 and 2002 respectively."

So with that great humanitarian vision and massive investment in research and development Allergan recently announced FDA approval of their newest 'meaningful' medicine Latisse for the treatment of the previously unmet needs of patients suffering from hypotrichosis...

Hypotrichosis... definition: inadequate or insufficient eyelashes.

Yes, we now have an FDA approved pharmaceutical to help people get fuller, longer, darker lashes...

What a freaking crock! While people are suffering and dying from all forms of disease, and ordinary citizens are giving money out of their relative poverty to support research, Allergan is investing millions and millions of dollars to create prescription strength mascara!!!

Allergan is not all bad. They are making some donations to the Make-a-wish foundation, and some of their other drugs and pipeline potential drugs have some real value. But seriously... mascara! MASCARA!

At least doctors won't have to wait for 7 years for the patent to expire in order to prescribe a generic. Maybe I can line up some free samples of Covergirl or Maybeline to give to my poorer patients.

Out of money? Print more...

So a good friend of mine shared this video with me and I felt the need to verbalize my thoughts on the issue:





This is a topic where I definitely follow a more conservative, even libertarian ideology. You absolutely cannot just print more money without the gold or other item of universal value to back it up. It is idiotic public policy. Here’s the problem in our two party system:

Party 1 = we want public services like schools, jails, etc, but we don’t want to pay much in taxes and we want the government to stay out of things.

Party 2 = we want the government to step in and do more, tax the wealthier people to pay for it, or come up with some other way to pay for it.

For somebody to get elected they have to please just enough of both sides that we’ve ended up with: Government step in and do more while not concurrently raising taxes. People want the government to help them, or help the companies they work for, but they don’t want to pay to do it. So where does that leave our government? Borrow from other nations (who aren’t lending now that the global economy is tanking) or print more money. So what is worse, letting General Motors, AIG, and other multi-million employee organizations shut down or keep those millions of people receiving paychecks that are worth less? Where do we cut funds from? Schools, Universities, Research, Jails, Medicare, Medicaid, Military, Food Stamps, Non-profit grants, Roads, Police, Fire Protection… what deserves less than the others?

Maybe now would be the time for the greatest unification of church and state in American history. What I mean by that is maybe now would be a phenomenal time for the Christian Church to step up and say to the state, ‘we will take care of the poor, the needy, the sick, the hungry. We will volunteer our time to work on infrastructure projects or to police our streets. We will volunteer to help clean schools or make lunches for kids. We will spend our Sunday mornings knitting hats for babies or repairing cars for single moms, instead of just sitting and hearing a sermon we’ve heard 32 times before. Christian kids can bake cookies and make sandwiches during Sunday School for the poor or other workers. Christian executives and wealthy individuals with savings will take temporary pay cuts or cessation of salary for a period of time. Christian doctors will offer an evening a week seeing patients at free clinics. Churches will offer free job re-training, counseling, housing, etc.

Maybe that would be a more Godly, Christ-like response from us than to just be upset about the government printing more money to solve problems we aren’t willing to solve ourselves.

A Great Example!

Hello Friends and Family,

I heard this great story on NPR this week about a young pastor in Bend, Oregon working to refocus his church on serving the poor and forgotten, loving unconditionally, and generally living the Christian faith. This story documents the challenges, successes, and new directions faced in this process. I would strongly encourage you take the 15 minutes or so to listen to it at:

http://thestory.org/archive/the_story_721_New_Church.mp3/view

Scroll down and click on the ‘Listen Now’ or Download link. This story is the first 15 minutes or so of the recording. Please let me know your thoughts!

Poetry Free-Write

The art of palpation
touching the body and soul
of a patient, a person
a soul that longs for healing

a soul that breathes inside
of malleable bone
and muscle tension

a soul that longs for...

And what does the physician feel?
Do they try to feel?
Do they believe in feeling...
with their hands...
with their hearts???

Can they feel a bone out of place?
Can they feel a muscle strained?
Can they feel a reflex tender point
of an organ in disarray?
Can they feel a patient?
Can they palpate and heal with their hands?

I desire to be a physician who feels
a physician who sees heart, soul, bone,
fascia, fury, fear, muscle, and meekness
all with my hands
and to cure with my hands
and a kind, compassionate word
and a... medicine? surgery?
Only if need be.
For I believe
that the patient's body will progess towards healing
if given the permission to heal itself
if put in the position to heal itself

Oh to palpate a history
Oh to palpate a physical
Oh to palpate a diagnosis
Oh to promote healing
Of heart, mind and soul
in the patient and myself!

A Seminal Moment

Today I am prouder of my country than I have ever been before. I have always loved the United States of America, but today I understand why. We have peacefully transferred power to a freely and democratically elected leader. We have elected the son of an African immigrant and Kansas farm girl. We have elected a leader who has already demonstrated an unprecedented openness and ability to communicate with the electorate by bridging old-fashioned oratory and modern-age technology. We have placed a man into an oval office that only a scant few decades ago he would only have been allowed to clean. Glass ceilings, racial and social barriers, and class inequalities still exist in our perfectable union. Today though we have been made more perfect, and most certainly the States of America are more united! There will be triumphs and tragedies during this administration, victories and defeats. But when a 45th American becomes president in the years to come, I believe there will be a collectively renewed American soul. May God bless Barack Obama. May God bless his family and administration. May God Bless America!

Little Z!

What a fun little man!

The Cure for the Common Cold

For centuries scientists and doctors have been searching for a cure to the common cold, of which I'm currently suffering. However, I have solved the mystery and here it is...







See... don't we all feel better now!!! Merry Christmas!

New Formats

This morning I'm filling time waiting for my 2nd Respiratory exam in a few minutes and it suddenly hit me, as it often does, that it is time to refresh and reformat. You see my classmates and I have come to the end of a stretch of 8 exams in 15 days, and 15 exams in the last month. Despite the general zombie-like mental state most of us are in, there is a palpable excitement, a mass sigh of relief. We have made it through what has likely been the most challenging and emotionally insecure academic period any of this conglomeration of professional students has ever been through. Not only surviving, but succeeding... and that is encouraging, energizing, refreshing! We are proud of each other, proud of our families, friends, and support systems, and proud of ourselves!

For me, I praise God for two things. First, He has blessed me with recall and analytical abilities during exams that has proved invaluable. Second, He has blessed me with a sacrificial and supportive wife who has suffered through this stretch with me. Through her words, notes, and simple presence in my arms she kept me going as strong as possible. Thank you God and thank you Katrina! I love you!

What Gay Marriage Bans are Really About

While most of us were focused on the history-making election of Barack Obama as President on Tuesday, another interesting vote took place that day. Californians narrowly approved Proposition 8 to eliminate the right of same-sex couples to marry, overturning a California court decision from earlier this year. This, of course, is headed for a long legal battle but I want to share some thoughts I have behind the motivation for gay marriage bans... Read on...

Gay Marriage bans are consistently put forward by Christian-affiliated religious and political groups. The reasoning usually goes something like, "protecting the institution of marriage" or "protecting the family unit" and it is based on a few passages of biblical scripture that condemn homosexual behavior and describe the unity of man and woman. Different people can argue all day on that issue alone but I want to go somewhere different with it.

Why is it that these same groups have not made an effort to ban common law marriage? It seems to me that a man and woman living together, having sexual relations without the public marriage commitment before God and man could be condemned for the same reasons by these groups. It seems to me that if the 'Anti-Gay Marriage' movement was really about protecting the institutions of marriage and family, that we would see just as much effort to ban common law marriage.

So maybe this is not about protecting marriage and family as much as it is about discrimination against homosexuals. If we really believe homosexuality is a sin and that these souls will eventually have to face God with that sin, is it really a good idea to do all that we can to isolate them, condemn them, and make them hate Christianity here in this life. That seems to correlate well with Jesus' statement to the Adulteress in the book of John... (sarcasm intended).

"But Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?" They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?"

"No one, sir," she said.
"Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin."

I would like any of my fellow Christians to please explain how a legal ban on gay marriage is a Christ-like, loving, non-condemning way of challenging people to examine, recognize, and leave their sin. Again, I am not going to state definitively whether homosexuality is or is not a sin because that is not the point of this blog.

Maybe before we go around banning gay marriage, throwing stones, we should focus on taking care of the sin and struggles in our own hearts and lives. That seems to be what Jesus is saying to me.

Thanks for reading and commenting!

Heart and History

What can I say on the eve of one of the most important and improbable moments in U.S. history that I have been privileged to experience? Tomorrow this country that I love will turn the page in so many ways. Regardless of the outcome tomorrow I do believe change will happen in this country to some degree, because I know that patriotism is still a guiding principle for both McCain and Obama despite campaign pandering. Both men will not allow this great country to fall, but I believe with all my heart that Barack Obama is the leader to help the U.S. rise once again.

It is my heart though that is so restless tonight. I am nervous that power will not concede to change, that somehow this hope for transformative leadership will be quashed by the status quo. I am fearful that the passion of my generation to engage in policy and patriotism now for the first time, will be snuffed out by longstanding political tactics and election day 'ground games'.

That having been said, the Presidential Election of 2008 has left an indelible mark on me!

You see, this catchphrase, this now tongue-in-cheek word 'change' has actually resonated with me. I spent the first months of these two campaign years knowing about policy, discussing policy, having opinions, all from the sidelines. Then came caucus night in Iowa and I became engaged! Better yet, I became transformed in my own way. It became apparent to me that I did not want to sit back for the rest of my life and let things be dictated to me. I found inside of myself a renewed desire to be an activist and leader on issues important to me and my future profession. As I look back over the past year as my passion for an Obama presidency grew, so too grew my passion to positively impact policies at my school and in my profession. I am now working towards a Masters of Healthcare Administration degree while also serving in leadership for several organizations and groups on campus.

The purpose of all of this? Well I think that this whole experience for me has been God's way of directing my path, facing me in the direction He wants to take me, and reminding me of the capabilities He has given me. I have no idea what that means or where it will lead but it will be exciting to see where this road winds its way to! On top of that, I get to share the journey with an amazing, beautiful wife and a strong little boy! God is good!

A Response

In response to the great comments that I've gotten to my previous blog, which have stirred so much thought and contemplation in me I thought I would share this e-mail I wrote to one of my commenters...

Thanks for your comments on my blog and your passion. I am excited to know that there are others who are passionate about faith and politics here on campus. You hit the nail on the head with what I’m struggling with in our political system in that neither party fully represents Christian values. I don’t agree with abortion but I also don’t agree with forcing a woman to go through 9 months of pregnancy and labor, and the stigma of giving a baby up for adoption if say she were raped. I also know that prior to Roe v. Wade abortions still happened in large numbers in poor “back alley” conditions. So will that be any different if we overturn Roe v. Wade? Can we overturn Roe v. Wade and somehow keep allowances for certain situations (like medical necessity for mom’s safety, rape, incest, etc)? How do we change the culture as a whole to stop unwanted pregnancies from happening? What I’ve heard is that abstinence-only training programs do not work. What are your thoughts?

I am legitimately wrestling with this conflict between supporting a party that is pro-life but won’t push for immediate, significant energy/environment change, won’t treat all people with simple respect and human dignity, will take action to remove a dictator whose biggest crimes were decades ago, but won’t step in to end genocide happening now. I have a hard time supporting a party that says we need to put criminals in jail longer, but will cut the taxes that pay for jails, a party that says life should always be protected but we will kill criminals because apparently their life is not the same life. I have a hard time supporting a party that says we need to improve our schools but will cut the taxes that pay for schools and teachers. Taxes are not pleasant but they are necessary. I have a hard time supporting a party that preaches individual liberty but will hold people in Guantanamo for years without even bringing official charges against them, much less a fair trial. This only promotes extremist hatred of the United States. I have a hard time supporting a party that says the Constitution (checks and balances) is the rule of law but wants the President to be able to veto anything that comes from Congress and to appoint judges who will legislate that party’s platform from the bench.

As far as I’m concerned, “the least of these” represents more than just unborn babies. It represents all of those lacking in salvation, so let’s talk about capital punishment, throwing people in jail for years but not funding those jails or rehabilitation programs, stopping genocide, treating homosexuals and muslims with the love of Christ while being firm in our faith. If you want to respect life, you must also respect those that are living outside the womb.

Let me go into more detail on some of the concerns I have with the Republican platform from a Christian standpoint. The model of Christ as a leader to me was somebody who interacted directly with those who opposed him or those living in sin and challenged them both firmly and compassionately to change their ways. That is in direct opposition to this statement in the GOP Platform, “We oppose entering into a presidential-level, unconditional dialogue with the regime in Iran until it takes steps to improve its behavior.” What my experience in life has been is that when somebody is threatened and not given some level of respect, they lash out. This is no different at the individual or governmental level. If you act arrogantly towards people and governments you cannot be surprised if they respond negatively. Jesus was impactful because he spent time with those who were used to being shunned. This obviously is very tricky to translate to diplomatic policy but I think it is important.

I also feel like an energy platform that does not put a timeline goal in place, like 10 years is absolutely in violation of our call as Christians to be good stewards for the earth. We’ve already seen the impact of 40 years (28 years of Republican Presidencies) of talking about changing our energy focus and not doing anything about it, expecting the market to take care of it and develop new technologies. We need specific plans with specific goals and specific timeframes. I’ve read the entire GOP platform on energy and climate change and while it looks good, it lacks commitment.

As a future healthcare provider I disagree with components of this statement, “No health care professional —
doctor, nurse, or pharmacist — or organization should ever be required to perform, provide for, or refer for a health care service against their conscience for any reason.” Every medical ethicist with any credibility agrees that we at least have a responsibility to refer patients if we personally will not provide a service. I also think it is horribly reckless to say we could deny care “for any reason”.

I’m sure I’ve probably stirred more frustration in you and for that I apologize. Discussion is good and you have challenged me to think more deeply about priorities!

My Christian Democrat Dilemma

Recently a Christian friend of mine from church gave me a copy of an essay, presumably in response to my openness around him and his grandson about my democratic political views. Generally when I present myself as a Christian Democrat I get a lot of funny looks and become the butt of somewhat harmless jokes. Thus I wanted to set my own record straight and I hope it opens some eyes. For reference, here is the essay I was presented: http://www.whatiam.net/

Now, allow me to respond. I was quite impressed by Mr. Essef’s full page ad and the passion and values he obviously holds. Obviously I do not approve of, nor agree with Howard Dean’s statement about Republicans. I think Mr. Essef was quite justified in feeling deeply offended by those remarks. I am disappointed that in offering his response to negative generalizations of Republicans, he chose to use many negative generalizations of Democrats (such as the statement that Democrats only see negativity in America).

I think it is unfortunate that Christianity has been pidgeon-holed into Republicanism. There does not seem to be a place for a Christian like me who is pro-life, but who also believes that we must fix our horribly flawed health care system, immediately change course on our destruction of the environment, end our dependence on oil period (not just foreign oil), and treat other nations with respect through diplomacy and not the ‘superpower’ arrogance that the White House has shown in the past few years.

Both parties both use shameless attack ads and then whine about the other candidates’ attacks. Both parties are led by politicians whose integrity can be legitimately questioned. Neither party truly represents all of the values and desires of the majority of Americans. Where that leaves each one of us is with the solemn duty to examine the political landscape for ourselves and not blindly follow one party’s propaganda. We all must figure out for ourselves what party and candidate most closely aligns with the majority of our values and ideals. We must encourage our children and youth to engage in policy debates and not try to force them down one political path. On several instances my friend's grandson has bluntly said to me, “Obama is a Muslim”. This has been shown to be a lie over and over again, yet it persists because people refuse to believe that the Republican party and leaders might be using propaganda for political gain. I find it unfortunate that the Christian and conservative right has chosen to attack the faith of a man who has devoted 20 years of his life and treasure to a Christian church in Chicago. When this young boy has asked me about why I support Barack Obama I tell him the honest truth that I want to see environmental and health care reform. When he calls Obama a muslim I have told him that he should not spread lies and needs to find out the truth for himself. That may be hard for him to grasp at his young age, but I feel it essential that he knows that he has the God-given freedom to think for himself and pursue truth for himself (with some guidance of course at his age).

Because I believe in the sanctity of life I believe that health care is a right and should be provided to all citizens. Because I believe in the sanctity of life I believe that for our childrens’ sake we must immediately enact massive energy policy change to provide a healthy environment and a future free from ‘oil wars’ as other nations’ economies modernize and increase demand. Because I believe in the love and grace of God and Jesus Christ, I believe we must cease the Christian hatred & fear of homosexuals, pro-choice advocates, and muslims. Jesus was only harsh to the Jews, those of his own faith, who spread legalism and rules. He was always gentle to the lost sheep. We as Christians need to follow Christ’s lead on this. Those are the reasons why I identify more with the Democratic party. I only wish both parties would behave more ethically toward each other, especially during campaigning. I hope that helps all of you understand where I’m coming from.

The Rapp Family

Some Pics of the family and momma with baby Z.

Little Baby Rapp!

Ezekiel Thomas Cadman Rapp was born just before 8:00pm on Wednesday 8/20/08. The new little giant weighed in at 8 lb. 1 oz. and measured 21.25 inches. Mom is doing well and the baby is phenomenal :-)!!! Here are some pics: