A Week of Contemplation

This week, Spring Break, has been refreshing for me as we have visited Katrina's family in Ohio. Oddly, I spent most of the week working, doing baseboard and trimwork carpentry in my in-laws house. For me this is exactly what I needed. I realize that amidst the measuring, cutting, painting, and nailing I've had quite a bit of time to contemplate where I am mentally, spiritually, physically, and even politically. Let me devote a few sentences to each...

Physically I am in limbo. I have regained all of the 50 lbs I lost during the Fall & Winter of my senior year at UNC. With that comes all sorts of psychological, physical, and sleep problems. But I have also been getting back into regular exercise, finding new ways to get myself motivated, and nearing a point of commitment to nutritional change. This of course has been a lifelong battle for me, but I continue to remain interested in fighting, and someday I think I'll find the right strategy.

Mentally I'm ready to get back to school and finish this semester. The change of thought process this week to visualization, mathematics, and a little creativity has been good and I know that the summer will give me the same opportunity with my research job and masters classes. I realize that I need to somehow incorporate more alternative mental exercises than I have, even though I have kept playing my guitar, writing on occasion, etc. I also realize that I'm still not feeling attached to the baby growing inside my wife which makes me feel somehow like a bad father or husband even though I know most fathers feel this way during a pregnancy and it ultimately isn't true.

Spiritually I'm distant but not detached. That is actually a positive for me because I no longer let myself go completely. God still is in my consciousness, which means hope and joy are always present to some extent in each day in my life regardless of whatever other depression may exist. Faith and Med School are not mutually exclusive but finding the right conditions for both to thrive is a challenge for me.

Politically I've realized that I'm angry and disenchanted. What started for me as hope for change, an unstoppable wave or societal revolution has now become mired in the same political sewage that sits stagnant across the floodplain that is our American 2 party system. What was a sure thing for the Democratic party has self-destructed behind the efforts of a candidate too self-absorbed to realize they've been beaten, dragging down the candidate who could secure the future generation for the party, and that candidate allowing themselves to be drawn off-topic by these efforts. The Clinton's are the political equivalent of Mike Tyson, the heavyweight fighter who won't retire or go away when they can no longer win, and Obama has become Evander Holyfield, the person known for getting his ear bit off by the Clintons... Al Gore lost because he was too attached to Clinton politics. Now, somehow Obama has allowed himself to become attached to Clinton politics. Maybe his speech on race will be a good first step back out of the mire.

I think it is time for me to focus on my spiritual, physical, and mental needs... letting the political cards play themselves.